Archive for September, 2009
I have some weird beliefs, part of a system of needy thought and behavior. I tend to need a fair amount of reassurance from those around me, and I gather it comes across as whiny. Let’s see if I can learn to reassure myself.
“I am good enough.”
“Being a little bit selfish is okay.”
“Believing I’m awesome doesn’t mean you’re not, and vice versa. We can both be awesome.”
“It’s okay to take pride in my skills and successes.”
“It doesn’t matter what people say; I already know I’m good enough.”
“I don’t have to be perfect.”
“I don’t have to be or do what people want. Being me will do.”
“One person’s disapproval need not shake my soul. Even if it’s a woman.”
But I have to say, those all ring a little hollow, where my weird beliefs feel right. We’ll see if I can fix myself, here.
Thanks to Gwen, Sam, Ruth, and Todd.
I’m currently in Tennessee, after a last-minute trip to Boston. In case you hadn’t read it on my mom’s health blog, she died on Tuesday night shortly after we’d all arrived. We didn’t really see it coming–she’d been in the hospital with a fever before, she’d had infections before, but this time the combination of cancer and pneumonia overwhelmed her. None of us realized it was so dire until the last minute, and we arrived at the hospital just in time to see her. She, however, was not awake, and she probably never realized that this was the end.
Her funeral is on Tuesday. After that, I’ll be back in Berkeley finishing up my dissertation.
My mom’s in the hospital with pneumonia and a 103-degree fever, which, given her chemo-weakened immune system, is serious. My sister turned 26 today. My uncle finished battling an infestation of bedbugs carried back from a hotel on his luggage. Two friends got engaged. Another friend may be on the path to a happier relationship. All this in the past few days.
But I keep getting hung up on, what failings of mine made me not worth dating? I don’t know how to be better.
In 7th grade, I asked a girl out. I said, “Will you go out with me?”
She responded, “Where?” and laughed at my confusion. I had just wanted her to indicate an interest in me; the details of spending time together could be worked out later.
I still have that attitude, that disconnect from the way most others think of dating, to this day. I’m not so worried about finding someone to spend time with; my days already fill themselves. I just want attention, respect, love. Find that, and the rest will work out well enough.
In other news, I’m completely single again. Whee.
This past weekend, the Bay Bridge was closed so that they could slice a piece off and replace it, allowing them to hook in the new East span. That won’t be done for years, still, but they actually got the replacement in during the very first day of the closure! I guess the rest was reinforcement and rerouting at the Yerba Buena tunnel itself.
There’s a time lapse video of it up on YouTube. Most of the action happens in the first 90 seconds, so you needn’t watch the whole thing. That 90 seconds is pretty cool, though–huge blocks of concrete just slide right into place.
I went to Ocean Beach with Moorea and Elena this weekend, and I got some good pictures.
We saw dead things.
No, really, there’s a German AIDS awareness campaign that equates AIDS with Hitler. It’s NSFW, but highly awesome. There are some other mass murdering dictator posters, but Hitler’s is the most striking to me.